I can't believe that fall is on its way. Choir rehearsals begin anew next Wednesday (Aug 14). In light of this, I thought it apropos to post this choir proficiency test. Enjoy.
Pastor Todd
CHOIR PROFICIENCY TEST
In order to measure your level of proficiency as a member of a choral group, this test has
been carefully developed by experts. Read and reflect on each situation, and
then select the option that you think will enhance the quality of performance.
1.
You are in a choir processional and
suddenly you trip on your robe and fall down.
You should ...
a.
assume a kneeling position and break into
fervent prayer.
b.
pretend that you've had a heart attack.
c.
begin speaking in tongues.
d.
crawl under a pew and remain there until
the congregation has departed.
2.
You are a soprano and count incorrectly.
As a result, you boom out a high C a
measure too soon. You should ...
a.
look triumphant and hold the note.
b.
stop abruptly in mid-squawk but keep your
lips moving.
c.
sink to the floor in shame.
d.
rip off stole as if it had been choking
you.
3.
You are conducting the choir and orchestra
in a very important performance when suddenly you lose your grip on your baton
and hurl it into the audience. You should ...
a.
grab the cellist's bow and proceed with
aplomb.
b.
without acknowledging the loss, cooly
continue and occasionally flex.
c.
inform the impaled individual that you
own a piece of the rock.
d.
signal the engineer to turn on the house
lights while you crawl about on the floor searching for the baton.
4.
After all those long, hard rehearsals,
you show up twenty minutes late for the concert.
You should ...
a.
climb into the back row of the choir from
the baptistry.
b.
slash your wrists in the choir room.
c.
enter pretending to be a sound technician
checking the cables and then subtly insinuate yourself into the choir.
d.
Find a seat in the audience and applaud
loudly after each number.
5.
The person sharing your music in
rehearsal had a garlic tamale for lunch. You
should ...
a.
pass the offender a hymnal opened to
"Purify Me, Lord."
b.
sing without inhaling.
c.
ask for the recipe.
d.
switch sections and become a bass for the
evening.
6.
While singing, you discover that the
librarian has provided only one page of a two-
page piece. You should ...
a.
sing "watermelon, watermelon,
watermelon."
b.
improvise an obligato to sing an "00."
c.
mouth the first page again.
d.
hum for your life.
7.
Inevitably, that dreaded big sneeze
occurs toward the end of "God Be in My Head."
You should ...
a.
come down hard on your neighbor's instep
while you sneeze, to create a
diversion.
b.
cram the hem of your robe into your mouth
to stifle the noise.
c.
try to make it harmonize.
d.
it doesn't really matter, because the
conductor is going to kill you anyway.
SCORING INSTRUCTIONS
Count the number of As, As,C, and Ds you checked.
a ___________ b __________ c ___________ d ___ _
4 or more As: there is nothing more you need to know
to be a first-rate member of a world-beater revival choir.
4 or more Bs: your church choir reflexes are fully
developed and you should do well in a sanctuary choir in a medium-sized church.
4 or more Cs: your church choral experience is
spotty, but your team spirit is right on target. You would be an asset to a
choir with a strong gospel bent.
4 or more Ds: Have you thought of taking up soccer?
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